Why Are My Fellow Whites Still So Awful at Naming Children?

Ensley? Kashton? Kairo? KAYCE?! Drew Magary on the terrible baby-naming epidemic of 2018.
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You don’t need me to tell you that white people are feeling overly emboldened these days. It’s 2018 and the whites are out here being whiter than ever: watching Young Sheldon, calling the cops on black people for ordering cake pops, listening to Florida Georgia Line, giving Bret Stephens paid work, and such and such. And perhaps nowhere is that gall more evident than in their continued desecration of the Social Security baby-name database. I have been on the baby-name beat for the better portion of this decade, and lemme tell you, America: The problem is only getting worse. If this pace keeps up, we WILL have a President Brayden within the next decade. He will slash capital-gains taxes with impunity and have protestors deported for looking at him funny.

Now, you might think this little rant of mine is the product of white guilt…that I am disassociating myself from my fellow Caucasians by “virtue signaling” to the rest of the world that I do not approve of naming your child Oaklyn. People, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I am here because I CARE about my white people, and I come about my whiteboy credentials honestly. I went to prep school. I own a Cuisinart (I even use it once every two years!). I listen to the Gin Blossoms while inebriated. You will not out-white me, I assure you. I am not here to disavow the whites. I am here to SAVE my fellow whites from themselves.

Because look at the fastest-growing baby names in America today, as tallied by the SSA and provided to me by fellow concerned citizen @Darth_Stout. The regular baby-name list is stocked with standard future lacrosse players like Mason and Logan and Ava and Amelia. I think we’re all used to those aforementioned babies lounging peacefully inside a Bugaboo double-wide as a deranged Park Slope jogging mom rolls right over your Boston Terrier. But the fast risers are another matter. Look at this fucking list and tell me we are trending, as a society, in the right direction. YOU CANNOT. Allow me to break a few of them down in detail:

BOYS

Kairo (up 423 spots). Regular Cairo is also on this list, but somehow the bastardized Kairo is even more popular because K. As you are about to see, there are so many K names on this stupid list that even Roger Clemens is begging for more restraint.

Kace (up 315 spots). We’re long past people naming their children after jobs (Tailor, Sailor, Racer, Accountant). The hot thing now is to name your child after an object, but then switching up a few letters to Mountain Dew-ify the name by at least 20 percent. Hence, Kace. Coming soon: Hammyr, Gunn, and Trukk.

Kashton (up 302 spots). Another goddamn K. If you would like to seal your child’s fate as a mid-level YouTube star, here is the name for you.

Jaxxon (up 214 spots). I openly refuse to believe anyone actually named their child this, and that this is actually just an error in the SSA database. There’s no legitimate reason to want to name your child like you’re naming the boss in a discount SNES game. “Oh wow, I finally beat Jaxxon on Level 12 of Congo’s Caper!”

Ledger (up 205 spots). I like The Dark Knight as much as anyone, and I’m heartened that LETO isn’t among the fast risers here. But the name HEATH is right there for you if you really want to project your generic fanboyism onto some poor child for life. “Allow me to introduce you to my other son, MisterBlonde…”

Ridge (up 149 spots). When they aren’t busy being profiled by The New York Times, rural Americans are having babies and naming them after rural things: Ridge, Fence, Tractor, Barn, Hay, Mud, Sorghum. This all but guarantees that your child will become a quarterback in the Mountain West conference.

Aaden (up 133 spots). Aaden. AADEN. Holy shit, AAAAAAADEN. Why? Why is this here? Do I pronounce it Aiden, or Ahhhhh-den? What are you people doing to these poor names? Every time a white person deviates from the standard set of baby names, they end up with an extra from Attack of the Clones.

Kannon, Kyson, Kyng, Kaison. Yep, they’re all here, including two separate variants on “Kai-son,” which isn’t even a name to begin with. It’s just a K, people. There’s nothing special about it. You don’t get to be a fucking ninja just because your mom jammed a K somewhere it wasn’t supposed to go.

GIRLS

Ensley (up 1461 spots). It has long been the new hotness to give your daughter a last name as a first name, but now we’re in the heretofore unexplored dimension of giving your baby girl a last name THAT DOES NOT EXIST for a first name. “Ensley” is probably the name of a bakery on a CW show. It was not meant to be used, much less formed into a grouping of letters, here in reality.

Oaklynn (up 1,072 spots). Wait for it…

Oaklyn (up 749 spots). Yup. One Oaklynn simply wasn’t enough. No, we have TWO of those. But why stop there? Let's toss in Okeline, and Okkalin, and Okkervil River, and Oko, and Okeechobee, and the Oaklynn Ridge Girls. Just gimme all the fucking oak and let’s build an entire fucking sorority out of it.

Melania (up 720 spots). Listen man, even Melania doesn’t want to be named Melania anymore. You don’t think she wishes she could change her name to Julie Montecristo and start an entirely new life with little Barron out in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest? Please. Why not name your child HOSTAGE while you’re at it?

Paisleigh (up 364 spots). Why use just one vowel when 87 will do? I swear to God, half these names read like a terrible Scrabble hand. And the worst part is that people will come at me after this and be like, "Well, actually, Paisleigh was my late grandmother's name and she immigrated here from Germaneigh."

Kynlee (up 221 spots). Dick around on the SSA website long enough, and you will start to see “yn” combinations in your sleep. Following the very little footsteps of the dreaded LAKYNN, my people have deemed the “yn” combination as the apex of lexicological femininity. Or should I say…FEMYNYNYTY?!

Bonnie (up 198 spots). Actually, this is a perfectly normal name. I was just shocked to see it among the sea of dreck. It’s almost heartening to know that, somewhere out there, there are a bunch of moms who are like, “Let’s bring Bonnie BACK.” If this fleet of new Bonnies doesn’t produce a trove of catchy pop-rock ballads, I will be sorely disappointed. FUN FACT: Bonnie is actually short for BONSTANCE.

Raylee (up 159 spots). Ah yes, the pervasive EE combination, for parents who watched L.A. Story and didn’t realize that it was a satire.

Jurnee (up 77 spots). And here we are, at the end of my tolerance. All of these names are characters who ended up on the cutting-room floor of Logan Lucky, but Jurnee has a special, utterly inane quality to it that really makes it stand out. If only we could work a K into it somehow.

Name your kids better, you buttholes.