So you just ate a pile of hot chicken. Guess what happens in about 24 hours?

If you thought that hot chicken you just braved burned going in, imagine what it's gonna feel like on its way out. Sure, all the hot flashes and cold sweats were a real gas, when you were showing off around a table of like-minded thrill-seekers. But as with so many difficult challenges in life, you'll be doing battle with the demons of intestinal fortitude completely alone. (Unless you're into some weird group-elimination thing we don't even want to know about.)

That's right — the capsaicin in cayenne doesn't discriminate one end from the other, friend. Come this time tomorrow, you'll be battling a different spicy beast: the dreaded ring sting, also known as the ring of fire, fire in the hole, the anal fire-breather, the atomic bunghole, the napalm nozzle, the cayenne canal, the hot hole, the rectal rapture. Ol' Scorchy understandably feels like she'll never recover.

But rest assured (just not on your bum). This too shall pass — literally. Even though it feels like the first time every time you face down Satan's fondue, you can endure this hell-dwelling heat-induced horror with a few time-tested tricks from actual doctors! Just kidding — I couldn't get a single doctor to talk on the record about burning bowel movements. So I went directly to the source that never shuts its flaming piehole: The Internet.

Sure, the Internet has all manner of results on how to cool a sizzling tongue — a dash of sugar, a swig of lemonade, a shot of milk and various other Throat Coats found in the spice-eater's medicine cabinet. But it's a veritable no-man's land out there on how to put the kibosh on your backdoor kisser. So thank your lucky starfish for PoopReport.com, whose annals of anal matter aren't afraid to run deep and dirty on the dish.

You've got two main options: Prevent the pain up front, or mask the pain later. In other words, stop the spice before it even hits the electric equator, or salve the shit out of that shit before it leaves for the shitter. On the front end, try a few stomach-coating preventatives. A spoonful of olive oil or a glass of milk may ease the burn. Also choose your side dishes wisely. Some hall-of-famers swear by eating rice, because they say it acts like a binder for the capsaicin and provides some mysterious digestive aid. Same goes with other starchy foods, such as white bread or potatoes.

Second, lube it up. Vaseline provides a protective coat, but as someone pointed out on PoopReport.com, "I don't want to deal with the cleanup after that." Hey, it's your afternoon, pal. Other regulars swore by topical analgesics like Neosporin and even Orajel. We can't say we'd risk it. There's also the common-sense option of witch hazel or hemorrhoid wipes.

But if none of this stuff snuffs the sizzle, commenters say you may be forced to stick something cold up there with the quickness. And really, your options are endless: A washcloth with ice cubes in it, chilled baby wipes on standby, some ranch dressing, a squirt of water, a bath of Epsom salts or — are you thinking what I'm thinking? — a tasty treat.

"If you are already suffering a ring of fire, get a popsicle and stick it up there," says one Pinworm. "I have found myself reduced to this at least twice."

Of course, you could just go hair-of-the-dog and eat more hot chicken — if you have faith in the belief that your body will eventually build a tolerance. Otherwise, try learning to love your temporary walk in the hot zone. As someone calling himself the Masochistic $hitter advises (perhaps related to our own Ke$ha?), "Just endure the burnin' ring of fire. You liked the burn when you ate those peppers."

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